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Health Promotion and Exercise Sciences Department

Stages in Romantic Relationships

by Jeanette Tedesco, Ph.D.
Chair, Health Science Department

In an attempt to assess what aspects of sexuality were of greatest interest, a poll of over 100 students was taken in which the topic of beginning and ending healthy and/or unhealthy relationships emerged.

Romantic relationships, like people, undergo stages of development. An ABCDE model describes the stages of romantic relationship as: attraction, building, continuation, deterioration, and ending. During each stage, positive factors sway partners toward maintaining and enhancing their relationship while the negative factors at any stage contribute to its deterioration.

ATTRACTION. Attraction occurs when two people become aware of each other and find one another appealing or enticing. According to brain researcher, John Money, what turns us on to another is termed "love map." This is established in the first years of life and is encoded in our brains based on the nurturers in our lives in the early years. Beyond the individual physical attributes, college students of both sexes report being attracted to clean, neatly dressed, and physically fit bodies. Turn offs for both sexes included tobacco and alcohol smells as well as foul language while males were turned off by heavy make-up and females by omitted male courtesies. Our impressions at this stage are largely visual so "first impressions count." A smile can be an invitation to conversation...or more. For those looking for a relationship...consider attending informal engagements or gathering to practice social skills.

BUILDING. Building a relationship follows initial attraction. Factors that motivate us to pursue a relationship include similar attitudes and interests, mutual liking, and positive regard - compliments vs. criticism. Each person seeks a common ground that may provide a basis for pursuing the relationship. Friendship always precedes a more meaningful commitment. Consider this: is there any characteristic your best friend has that you wouldn't want in a marriage or lifelong relationship?

If the surface contact provided by small talk and initial self-disclosure has been mutually rewarded, partners in a relationship may develop deeper feelings of liking for each other. Self- disclosure may continue to build gradually through the course of a relationship as partners come to trust one another enough to share confidences, hopes, dreams, fantasies, and more intimate feelings. Trust is not a LOTTO commodity; trust develops from consistent behavior over a period of time. Often in our impatience we choose to fast forward this stage and thus set ourselves up for disappointment when feelings of attraction and the establishment of common ground lead a couple to regard themselves as "we," they have attained a state of mutuality. It is the "we" that has "our song," pet names, and secret codes.

At this stage, partners' fascination and bonding with each other often lead to lessening contacts with best friends in one's support system. This is unfortunate because when the primary relationship is in turmoil or ends there is often no support system in place for the individual to "rebound." Nights out with best friends are critical for maintaining one's mental health especially in the worst of times. There is often bickering between couples about "nights out," so it may be helpful in diminishing possible tension in an intimate relationship to understand the significance of maintaining a "best friend's" contact. In committed relationships, a balance exists between individuality and mutuality. In healthy unions, a strong sense of togetherness does not eradicate individuality. Love creates an "us" without destroying the "me."

CONTINUATION. Factors that encourage continuation include seeking ways to introduce variety and maintain interest (such as trying out new social activities and sexual practices); showing evidence of caring and positive regard (such as sending cards for special occasions); being self-confident vs. experiencing or provoking jealousy; perceiving fairness in the relationship; and experiencing mutual feelings of general satisfaction.

Factors in this stage that can put a relationship into a downward spiral include boredom (e.g., falling into a rut in leisure activities, sexual practices); displaying evidence of negative evaluation (such as bickering, forgetting important dates); perceiving a lack of fairness in the relationship (such as one partner always deciding how the couple will spend their free time). John Gray's book, "Mars and Venus n the Bedroom," is an excellent resource for committed couples stuck in a sexual impasse or boredom pattern.

DETERIORATION. Couples can respond to deterioration in active or passive ways. Active means of response include doing something that may enhance the relationship such as working on improving communication skills, negotiating differences, enrolling in a human sexuality course, seeking professional help, or making a decision to end the relationship. Passive methods of responding are characterized by waiting for something to happen or by just doing nothing. It is irrational and damaging to a relationship to assume that suitable relationships require no investment of time and effort. When problems arise, it is better to work to resolve them than to act as if they don't exist.

Factors that can deter or slow deterioration include putting time and energy into the relationship. What you value, you spend time on, striving to cultivate the relationship and showing patience, for example, giving the relationship a reasonable opportunity to improve. A relationship begins to deteriorate when one or both partners assess the relationship to be less rewarding than it had been.

ENDING. Ending is the final stage of a relationship. Various factors can prevent a deteriorating relationship from ending. For example, people who continue to find some sources of satisfaction, who are committed to maintaining the relationship, or who believe they will eventually be able to overcome their problems are more likely to invest what they must to prevent the collapse. Relationships fall apart when partners find little satisfaction in the affiliation, when alternate partners are available, or when couples are not committed to preserving them and expect the worst.

Fear often interferes with couples not ending a poor relationship. Fear comes in many forms: loneliness, not being in a coupleship, not finding another partner, or not having the courage to be the one to take the responsibility for ending the relationship. At some point it may be necessary to say to a partner, "This relationship is no longer meeting my needs; I need something different... I appreciate you for...(identify one or two positive experiences) in the time we have been together, but I am no longer interested in continuing this relationship!" Period. The person must be direct and clear if in his/her statement. The message may have to be repeated several times, maybe for several days if your daily routines cross paths.

The initial reactions to a breakup of a relationship may be quite varied. Some people may be stunned, angry, frightened, manipulative and promise all kind of changes, while others will rush to put the pain of their loss behind them and get involved in a "rebound" relationship. If the breaking-up grieving process remains incomplete, the reactions will eventually find expressions in a new relationship. The one giving the breakup news may experience varied emotions that include sadness, guilt, anger, or relief, and maybe even joy.

No matter how much lovers promise to be true to each other forever, there really are no guarantees that the relationship will last. One only needs to look at the divorce statistics to realize this. Loving leaves one vulnerable. So to choose to enter a loving relationship is to choose the risk of being hurt. This is one reason why knowing, understanding, and feeling good about oneself, including one's sexuality, is so crucial before committing to an intimate relationship. An individual will attract and be attracted to a person with a similar self-esteem level. Someone who values self would not tolerate behaviors other than ones of honor and respect in an intimate relationship.

Remember, wherever you go, there you are; you take all of who you are into any intimate relationship. These issues and others are addressed in the human sexuality course offered by the Health Science Department in the fall.